The Day I Realized My Portuguese Sucked
Three months into living in São Paulo, I thought I was doing pretty well with my Portuguese. I'd been using Duolingo religiously, memorized conjugation tables, and could even roll my Rs like my Spanish teacher taught me back in high school.
Then came the incident at the padaria.
All I wanted was a pão de queijo (cheese bread). Simple, right? I walked up to the counter with all the confidence of someone who'd practiced this exact sentence fifty times on a language app. "Por favor, eu gostaria de um pão de queijo," I said, pronouncing each word carefully.
The woman behind the counter stared at me. Then she turned to her colleague and said something that sounded like Portuguese being played backwards at double speed. They both looked at me. She held up a coffee pot.
That's when it hit me: I hadn't been learning Brazilian Portuguese. I'd been learning some weird, formal, textbook version that nobody actually speaks. And my rolled Rs? Turns out that makes you sound like you're either from Portugal or having a stroke.
After almost giving up completely (and yes, drunk-texting my ex back home that I was coming back to Chicago), I finally cracked the code. Here are the 10 things that actually worked after three years of mistakes, embarrassments, and small victories.
1. Stop Rolling Your Damn Rs Already
I cannot stress this enough – that rolled R you learned in Spanish class? Throw it out. Burn it. Forget it exists.
In Brazilian Portuguese, the R situation is weird and nobody explains it properly. Here's the truth:
When you see an R at the beginning of a word or RR in the middle, it sounds like you're trying to clear your throat gently. Like an English H, but with a bit more... phlegm? (Sorry, but that's honestly the best description.)
- Rio isn't "REE-oh" with a trill. It's more like "HEE-oo"
- Carro (car) is "CAH-hoo"
- Roberto becomes "Ho-BEHR-too"
At the end of words? Most Brazilians basically ignore it. "Falar" becomes "falah" or even "fala" if they're speaking fast (which is always).
The first time I correctly said "Que horas são?" (What time is it?) and someone actually understood me, I nearly cried. Right there in the metro station. Try this tongue twister once you think you've got it: "O rato roeu a roupa do rei de Roma." If a Brazilian doesn't laugh at your pronunciation, you're getting close.
2. Forget Everything Your Textbook Taught You About "Tu" vs. "Você"
Remember learning "tu" vs. "você" and all those conjugations? Yeah, about that...
Nobody in São Paulo uses "tu." I mean nobody. I tried using it once at a bar in Vila Madalena because I wanted to sound casual and cool. The guy looked at me like I'd just stepped out of a time machine from 1822.
Everyone uses "você" for everything. Your boss, your best friend, the guy who cuts your hair, the lady at the bank who's clearly judging your negative balance – all "você."
But here's what the textbooks won't tell you: Brazilians barely even say "você." They just skip it entirely. Instead of "Você quer café?" (Do you want coffee?), it's just "Quer café?"
And "a gente" (literally "the people") means "we" about 90% of the time. "Nós vamos" (we go) sounds like you're reading from the Bible. "A gente vai" is what actual humans say.
In São Paulo, you'll also hear "meu" thrown around constantly – not "my" but more like "dude" or "bro." "E aí, meu?" is basically "What's up, man?" Don't try this in a job interview though. Trust me on that one.
3. Join Brazilian WhatsApp Groups (Even If It Hurts)
This is going to sound stupid, but changing my phone to Portuguese was the single best thing I did for my learning. Not because of the phone itself, but because it forced me into Brazilian digital culture.
Brazilians live on WhatsApp. I mean LIVE on it. My landlord sends me good morning messages with sparkly GIFs. My dentist sends voice messages about appointments. The guy who fixed my laptop created a WhatsApp group just for the three-message conversation about pickup time.
Join some Brazilian WhatsApp groups about literally anything you're interested in. I'm in groups about:
- Craft beer in São Paulo (where I learned that "gelada" doesn't just mean cold, it means the perfect beer temperature)
- Apartment hunting (where I discovered that "aconchegante" is realtor code for "tiny")
- Corinthians fans (mistake – I don't even like football, but now I can argue about it in Portuguese)
You'll learn that:
- kkkkk = laughing (the more k's, the funnier)
- blz = beleza (cool)
- tmj = tamo junto (we're together/got your back)
- sqn = só que não (just kidding/not!)
Fair warning: Brazilians send voice messages as responses to text messages. This still drives me insane, but it's incredible for learning pronunciation and natural speech patterns.
4. Listen to Brazilian Pop Music
Everyone tells you to listen to Bossa Nova to learn Portuguese. Sure, if you want to sound like you're permanently reciting poetry from 1963.
What actually helped me was listening to the absolute trash music that plays in every Uber. Sertanejo universitário (think Brazilian country pop) might make your ears bleed, but damn if those repetitive, simple lyrics don't stick in your head. I learned more Portuguese from "Jenifer" by Gabriel Diniz than from six months of formal classes.
My unorthodox music learning path:
- Morning: Sertanejo for simple, repetitive vocabulary
- Gym: Funk carioca for slang (warning: DON'T use these words at work)
- Work: MPB (Música Popular Brasileira) for clear pronunciation
- Evening: Brazilian rap (start with Projota – he actually articulates)
Also, "Evidências" by Chitãozinho & Xororó is basically Brazil's national karaoke anthem. Learn it, and you'll make friends for life. I've bonded with more Brazilians over butchering this song than any language exchange app ever provided.
5. Watch Novelas Without Shame
I used to make fun of my neighbor Ana for watching novelas every night. Then one day, my internet went out and she invited me over to watch. Four hours later, I was screaming at the TV because Carminha was being a villain again in Avenida Brasil.
Novelas are absolutely ridiculous. The acting is over the top, everyone is unreasonably attractive, and someone always has amnesia. But they're also linguistic gold mines.
The key is picking the right one:
- Don't start with: Historical novelas (unless you want to speak like Dom Pedro)
- Do start with: "Malhação" (teen drama, simple Portuguese)
- Graduate to: 9pm Globo novelas (more slang, real conversations)
I learned essential phrases like:
- "Pelo amor de Deus" (for the love of God) – use it for everything
- "Que isso?" (what's this?) – perfect for confusion/disgust/surprise
- "Tá de brincadeira!" (you're kidding me!)
The best part? Novelas create cultural moments. When a character says something catchy, EVERYONE in Brazil starts saying it within a week. You'll suddenly understand why your coworker keeps saying "volta por cima" or whatever the phrase of the month is.
6. Add "-inho" to Everything (Seriously, Everything)
Brazilians add "-inho" or "-inha" to everything. EVERYTHING. And if you don't do it, you sound like a robot from a 1980s language learning tape.
It's not just about making things small. It's about warmth, affection, and being Brazilian. Examples:
- Cafezinho isn't a small coffee, it's just coffee said with love
- "Só um minutinho" (just a little minute) means anywhere from 30 seconds to half an hour
- "Tchau tchau, beijinho" is how adult professionals end phone calls
- "Obrigadinho" makes your thanks sound friendlier
The first time I naturally said "brigadin" instead of "brigadeiro" (chocolate truffle), my Brazilian friends nearly threw a party. It was like I'd finally crossed some invisible barrier from "gringo trying to speak Portuguese" to "gringo who kind of gets it."
Pro tip: You can even add it to foreign words. "Whatszinho" (little WhatsApp) is a real thing I've heard. Portuguese is wild.
7. Learn to Navigate the Beautiful Chaos of Brazilian Grammar
Portuguese grammar is supposedly super strict and full of rules. Brazilians didn't get that memo.
They mix conjugations, skip pronouns, and turned "não é?" (isn't it?) into just "né?" which goes at the end of every sentence, né?
Real Brazilian grammar includes:
- Using "ter" (to have) instead of "haver" (there is/are) constantly
- "Tem" means everything from "there is" to "do you have" to "it's possible"
- The subjunctive mood? Optional. Just use the infinitive and move on
- "Tá" replacing "está" in 99% of casual conversation
My favorite discovery: "dar" (to give) combined with anything creates a new verb:
- Dar certo = work out
- Dar um jeito = find a solution
- Dar ruim = go wrong
- Dar PT = black out drunk (learned this one the hard way)
Stop trying to speak like Camões. Start trying to speak like someone who actually lives in Brazil in 2025.
8. Make the Feira Your Language Lab
Forget language exchange apps where 80% of conversations are Brazilian guys trying to flirt using Google Translate.
The feira (street market) is where the magic happens. The vendors have infinite patience, especially the older ladies who will teach you:
- Names of fruits you've never seen (what the hell is a caqui?)
- How to bargain ("Faz um preço bom pra mim!")
- Regional expressions you won't find in any textbook
Other unexpected language labs:
- Uber drivers: Captive audience, can't escape your bad Portuguese
- The boteco: After a few beers, everyone's a language teacher
- Hair salons: They HAVE to talk to you for at least an hour
- Gym classes: Same instructions repeated 50 times
I also joined a capoeira class, not because I wanted to do martial arts (I have the coordination of a drunk giraffe), but because everything is explained in Portuguese and repeated endlessly.
9. Master the Art of Jeitinho Brasileiro (In Language and Life)
"Jeitinho brasileiro" isn't just a cultural concept – it's embedded in the language. It's the art of finding creative solutions, bending rules without breaking them, and generally making things work through charm and flexibility.
Essential jeitinho phrases:
- "Dar um jeito" – solves everything from broken phones to existential crises
- "Mais ou menos" – perfectly acceptable answer to any question
- "Quebrar o galho" – help someone out with a temporary solution
- "Desenrascar" – to get out of a tight spot creatively
Understanding jeitinho helped me realize why my landlord says my broken shower will be fixed "segunda-feira" (Monday) every single week. It's not lying; it's optimistic flexibility.
This flexibility extends to language too. Can't remember a word? Describe it creatively. Don't know the exact grammar? Make it work. Brazilians respect the effort more than the perfection.
10. Set Real Goals, Not Instagram Goals
My first goal wasn't "achieve B2 proficiency" or whatever. It was "successfully complain to the internet company on the phone without them hanging up on me."
Real goals that actually mattered:
- Month 1: Order pizza delivery without the guy switching to English
- Month 3: Understand what the hell the car wash guy was warning me about
- Month 6: Make a joke that makes Brazilians actually laugh (not pity laugh)
- Month 9: Win an argument with a taxi driver about the route
- Year 1: Have an entire fight in Portuguese (achieved this discussing São Paulo vs Rio pizza)
- Year 2: Understand sarcasm and irony in Portuguese
- Year 3: Dream in Portuguese (usually nightmares about missing flights)
The day I had a two-hour conversation at a boteco about why American football makes no sense, and nobody switched to English even once, I knew I'd made it.
If that doesn't speak to you and you want more structured goals, the best I can recommend to you is signing up on Falando. All the material is categorized by CEFR level (A1, A2, etc.) and with the elaborate progress tracking we have, you will see exactly where you currently are on your Portuguese learning journey.
The Truth Nobody Tells You
Learning Brazilian Portuguese is frustrating, hilarious, and weirdly addictive. You'll have days where you feel fluent and days where you can't even order bread correctly. You'll mix up "coco" (coconut) and "cocô" (poop) at least once. You'll definitely use the wrong gender for "problema" (it's masculine, even though it ends in 'a' – because Portuguese hates you).
But then one day, you'll realize you just spent three hours at a boteco, arguing about politics, making jokes, complaining about the rain, and you didn't think about English once. You'll catch yourself saying "nossa" instead of "wow" even when speaking English. You'll dream in Portuguese (usually about conjugating irregular verbs, but still).
That's when you know you've actually learned Brazilian Portuguese – not the textbook version, not the app version, but the real, chaotic, beautiful version that 200 million Brazilians speak every day.
Will you sound like a gringo? Absolutely. Will Brazilians love you for trying? Absolutely. Will you ever fully understand when someone from the interior of Minas Gerais talks? Absolutely not, but neither do half of Brazilians.
The secret isn't perfection. It's embracing the beautiful mess of it all. Because at the end of the day, the worst Portuguese spoken with confidence beats perfect Portuguese never spoken at all.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go argue with my internet provider about why my internet "vai ser religado segunda-feira" for the fifth Monday in a row. In Portuguese. Wish me luck – or as we say here, "vai dar certo!"